Just keep holding on
by itsajensenthing
Summary: Tony attempts his life. Probably the third FF I've written on this subject so sorry if it's repetitive. It just came out of no where, I swear! Hahaha.


**Tony DiNozzo.**

He couldn't take his eyes off all the passing cars. They sped past him like blurs of light and colour. All while his mind rolled around in memories of words people had spoken to him, things people had said about him, moment's in his life he wasn't able to grab. He regretted so many of his decisions, his actions, his words. He blamed himself for the hurt people felt, for the loss people suffered. He saw it as all his fault.  
>He knew they, everyone, would be better off without him.<p>

So he kept starring at the road. The busy high way. He sat on a park bench; watching the cars speed past at full speed. He thought about getting up and walking into the traffic. He thought about how he would be killed instantly and he wouldn't have to suffer the pain, the pain he knew he deserved. But if there was one decision he was going to make in pure selfish content, it was to feel no pain.

He had made up his mind today at work, after he'd over heard a conversation between two of his friends at work. They'd said; "..and DiNozzo just went off about his movies again. God, he can be so irritating sometimes. Just once I wish he'd call in sick or something and we'd get a day without his constant all-up-in-your-face attitude."

He hadn't mis-heard. He hadn't felt as though he was missing the point of the conversation or that previous text of the conversation could alter what he felt as he heard the words. They were spoken and meant exactly how they sounded. He was figuring out very quickly how many people could, in all, not stand him. His ego had faded and he'd realized how hated he was.

He'd braved a happy face throughout the day and pretended as though nothing was wrong, but Tony was upset. He was hurt. He felt as though he'd been an idiot for not seeing it sooner. Driving home that night, more things clicked together in his mind. Wendy had left him. His father wanted nothing to do with him. His friends didn't speak to him any more. He had no one. No relationship.. no family.. no friendship group. He was completely alone.

He hadn't ended up driving to his apartment. Tony had pulled over in a car parking lot facing the high way. He'd found the bench and now sat, at eleven-pm at night, Tony sat on his park bench and watched the cars, and trucks, and buses fly past him.

During the day McGee had caught Tony alone and asked; "Are you okay? Seems like something's bothering you but you just keep smiling for the hell of it."  
>Tony had replied with a surprised expression and laughed the idea off. "No. I'm fine."<br>"Are you sure?" McGee pushed.  
>Tony boomed one his world-famous smiles and assured McGee he was fine.<p>

Tony heard the sound of horns of the cars, he heard the roar of their engines, he heard the sound of the whooshing air being flown around him.

This was it, Tony decided. He pulled himself to his feet and stepped towards the kerb.

But just as Tony was about to step out onto the road, a loud roaring sound woke up him to his senses. Suddenly he was thrown back into his reality and saw that he was no longer standing on the side of a busy highway, he never had been. He was sitting in front of a green light; holding up three cars behind him. He waved his hand in the reflection mirror and drove through the intersection. He couldn't believe how a minute had made his mind believe to be an hour, and in a completely different situation too.

As he drove to his apartment now, he couldn't help thinking about his own wishes and needs. Did he really want to die? Was he just being stupid and over reacting? There were so many question racing through his mind. Questions that replayed over and over again as he reached his apartment, changed into a comfortable pair of sweats and a t-shirt, and while he sat on his black leather couch; clutching a half empty bottle of scotch.

McGee had left just after Tony, with Ziva on his arm. After a long busy day at work, Tony had shot so fast out of the office, neither of them got to ask if he wanted to do a late dinner or something. But McGee and Ziva had gone together without Tony. To that newish-old Chinese place down the street from the office. It was well in walking distance but they'd decided that, due to the hour, it was better just to drive and meet there. So they had.

And instead of take out, like the team always did, McGee and Ziva had decided to sit in the restaurant; that wouldn't close until one-am.

At first they'd discussed the case; the stupidity of some people. Then they've moved onto gossip, and talk about Ray. But then came the time that McGee would bring up Tony, and they would talk about his behaviour today.

"I don't know, but he seemed to have a personality change about half way through the day." McGee pointed out.

"You are right, he did. He went from being his normal self, to a very quiet and guarded person." Ziva added.

McGee thought about the situation for a moment, "Do you think someone said something to him?"

Ziva laughed. "Tony's ego is too high to let anything anyone says get to him. And besides, he know's we love him."

"I don't know. I said something to Abby today that I regret. Maybe he over heard me say it." McGee confessed.

"What did you say?" Ziva asked.

McGee dug at his rice while he spoke, "Basically just that he was sometimes annoying, and that I wished we could just have one day without him." Ziva bent her gaze at her partner. "I know, I know! I felt horrible the moment I said it. I think he might of over heard me, because it was after that when he started to quiet down."

"Then you need to apologize. Or at least tell him that you do not feel that way about him." Ziva said; like a scolding mother.

"Yeah, I will. I'll swing by his place on the way home. Have a drink with him or two." McGee said; planning out his night. He truly did feel horrible and guilty for saying what he'd said. And if that was the reason for Tony's sudden drop in energy, he would feel even worse.

"I do not deny that Tony can sometimes be… annoying. But without him our team would not be the same." Ziva confessed.

"No, you're right. Tony's like the super-glue, you know? I mean, we're all tight as knots but when Gibbs left a few years ago, Tony was the glue that kept us all together." Ziva nodded in agreement. "He's done so much for us, and I kind of feel like we don't give him enough credit."

"He does do a lot for us. More than we notice, that is for certain."

The conversation and dinner carried on for another half hour or so, before Ziva felt her eyes grow tired and thought it best she head home before she was too tired to drive.

McGee walked Ziva to her car and assured her he was heading to Tony's place right away. And he was. The drive from the restaurant to Tony's was only about twenty minutes.

He stood in front of Tony's door; debating whether to knock or just walk in. What if he was asleep? _It had never stopped Tony was barging into my place at a ridiculous hour._ McGee thought. So he knocked twice and opened the door with a key Tony had given him - for some strange reason, a drunken night together had turned into a love confession and the swapping of the keys. Though when morning rose and the hang overs set in, neither one of them had given the keys back. Both mentally assuming it'd come in handy eventually to have the other's house keys.

"Tony?" McGee called into the quiet apartment. He could see straight down the hall way, the kitchen… and the his head turned slightly to the left, and he saw a figure laying on the ground. His heart jumped a beat and suddenly he was full of adrenaline. "Tony!"

He raced over to the hobbled figure laying in front of the black leather couch with an empty bottle of scotch laying beside an arm that landed stretched out across the floor.

Indeed it was Tony. He was unconscious and his forehead was sweating.

McGee quickly tapped Tony's face, opened his eye lids, and did anything he could think of to wake him up. All while desperately calling for a response. After a few minutes of no change, McGee dug into his pocket and retrieved his phone. He quickly dialled for an ambulance and gave the address and all information.

Fact is, Tony hadn't passed out from drinking too much, and after seeing the state of Tony's eyes, McGee had already known this. Tony had drowned himself in liquor, and possibly given himself alcohol poisoning.

It was about five minutes later when Tony's eyes flickered open. But it was if he couldn't see. He knew McGee was next to him, he knew he was lying on the floor, but he hadn't remembered how he'd got there or what was going on.

"McGee…" Tony said quietly, almost quieter than a whisper.

"Hey, Tony. Just lie still for me, okay? Paramedic's are on their way."

"What..?…No." Tony tried to sit up, but McGee forced him back onto the ground.

"Save your strength. You'll be okay, help is coming." McGee reassured.

Tony gave up. He fell back to the floor and took shallow breaths. "I don't want to survive…." he muttered as his eyes flickered then fell shut.

McGee was battled, shocked, and concerned by Tony's words. _He couldn't. No, he wouldn't. Not Tony… He.. he wouldn't try…_ It was then that McGee's eyes showed him a medicine tub. A little orange tube with a prescription label across the sides and a large white screw-on lid just sitting beside the tube.

McGee reached over and picked up the empty tube. The label said _"Mechal A. Donati - Oxycontins, use as superscripted. 2 tablets within a 12 hour window. 56 tablets. April 17th, 2011_" The tube was empty.

McGee hurried back over to Tony and tried to wake him up again. But before he could get a response, paramedics rushed into the room.

McGee told them Tony had spoken to him a minute ago, but couldn't get him to wake up again. He also told them about the scotch and the tablets. The paramedic's told him it was mostly likely an attempt on his life, and without further words, they rushed him off to emergency.

**A/N: I don't really know where this came from, maybe out of my own self thinking mind... but yeah. I did have another scene to it but I deleted it because it wasn't finished.. and I felt like this was a crappy ending on it's own :) **

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